The Falconer

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Stay in your lane

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Human development is a long and complex process, varying wildly from individual to individual. Some children do not speak until they have learned to form complete sentences, and others remain in the stage of incoherent babble for years longer than average. Likewise, advanced math occasionally clicks in the brain of a prodigal eight-year-old, whereas many adults can never get a grasp on algebra. Disparities such as these are quite normal, even good for the survival of our species, but in recent years, a developmentally stagnating epidemic has swept through our school and debilitated many students. While most children can walk before the age of twelve months, it seems that an astoundingly significant portion of Central’s population has not reached this basic milestone.

High schools are busy places, congested with bodies and run on a strict clock that maintains a relatively smooth flow throughout the day, but this is based on an optimized system, one in which the friction is minimized. With the great number of students incapable of walking in a logical manner down the halls, this dismissal of resistance can be detrimental to the functionality of the school. Traveling between classes should be quick, easy, and pain-free, but it is made the opposite when herds of students, stuck together by some invisible social glue, move as one at an insufferably slow pace. Even worse is when these groups converge in the middle of a hallway, making progress impossible and poisoning the school like a cholesterol blockage in a vital artery.

Sufferers of the epidemic are not only dangerous in groups, however. Individuals are just as capable of plaguing the inner systems of the school with their incompetence as well. It has become a common courtesy in our society to always stick to the right-hand lane whenever one is traveling over any considerable distance. We drive on the right side of roads, most of us push shopping carts down the right-hand aisles in Wal-Mart, and yet this tradition that so dramatically decreases road rage is immediately disregarded and maliciously violated the moment one sets foot in Central. Students readily walk into oncoming foot-traffic, turn around in the middle of their lane, and disrupt the relative peace of the hallways without a second thought.

It is time we address the widespread disorder in our student body and bring an end to this era of chaos. Hallways are a place for walking, and we have neglected those among us who are incapable of fulfilling this duty for so long that the infestation has only spread. An end must be brought to this infuriating blight by any means possible–expel them, fine them, lobotomize them if it leads to the restoration of our hallways, but ignore it no longer.

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