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Virginia legislature attempting to repeal laws of physics

Sandy Wiecking

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Virginia legislature is looking seriously at repealing several of the laws of physics after several fall-related injuries this quarter, specifically the laws that govern mass and gravity. Gravity has been cited as a serious danger to the population of Virginia, and many congressmen are calling for its flat-out removal.

“It’s just not doing anyone any good,” says Virginia state congressman Jamie Vaccaro. “Honestly, it’s a headache full of lawsuits that are just waiting to happen. We’ve got old ladies falling and breaking their hips, airplanes having to spend far too much in fuel to stay in the air, and even everyday civilians are in danger of tripping, falling down, being pushed out a window — the possibilities for lawsuits are practically endless. Gravity is a menace, and must be stopped.” The congressman then went on to confide his belief that the origin of the laws of physics stemmed from “devil worship” from “those wastrels down in South Carolina”.

Several lawsuits just this week have opened up, citing a near-fatal fall for an elderly resident of Shenandoah County, a class-action suit for automobile accidents, and gravity forming a monopoly with mass, which violates anti-trust laws.

“Anti-trust? There’s nothing to trust!” says businessman Steven Kavanagh, frothing slightly at the mouth as he sprayed the face of this reporter with spittle. Kavanagh owns several mining companies in the southern area of Virginia, specifically mining organic refuse from farmer’s fields. “For god’s sake, you’ve got gravity in a coalition with mass, density, the whole shebang! It’s keeping the moon just out of reach from us, taunting us, forcing to spend billions just to get there. I tell you what–” here he flipped the table and began screaming incoherently about “mining on the moon”. This reporter had to flee the area with great haste almost immediately afterward.

Other lawsuits, as stated, include a class-action suit against the laws of physics for the thousands of car accidents that occur every year in Virginia. Several of the suit’s supporters claim that if we could just get rid of gravity and mass alone, the rate of car accidents would decrease significantly– and as a result, commuters would be able to achieve the speed of light on their way to work, due to the lack of mass, allowing shorter commute times for everyone. Problems such as lightspeed collisions have been waved aside.

The federal government has looked upon these proceedings with what can only be described as dumbfounded amusement. When asked about the drive to repeal physics in the state, Virginia senator Kyle Simon said nothing, then buried his face in his hands and proceeded to weep for approximately twenty-seven minutes. When a tentative hand was reached out to comfort him, he swatted it aside and moaned about how “[his]… state is a laughingstock, what was I thinking when I took this job?” Additional efforts at comforting the congressman and convincing him that Virginia wasn’t that bad, really, were entirely unsuccessful, and Simon disappeared to his home, accompanied by several barrels of whiskey.

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” promised farmer Luke Robertson, when asked about the drive to repeal physics itself. “Soon as we’re done with that physics confoundedness, we’ll be comin’ after the laws of nature next. Sure as shootin’, man will violate nature in the next seven months.” Having said thus, he spat out his wad of tobacco to one side, while simultaneously picking his nose– an impressive feat of manual dexterity.

It seems that the repeal of the laws of physics, and specifically the laws governing gravity, are inevitable. This reporter is personally excited to see if it’s even possible to enforce such repeals, and is also curious to see just how far Virginia will go in its complete and utter defiance of basic logic. It seems that our state will stop at nothing to do what it thinks is right.

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